Sour
The world has been very cruel to me. As I keep thinking, the flashbacks keep flipping fast like all past videos have been put together in my head.
I lost the pride, I always thought I was able to voice out my thoughts very clearly. My peers, family and friends understood me fairly well.
I always thought that my standard of English was fairly good. I do not know, if it is over the years, or I just never had it in me. I felt shame and disgrace.
Maybe, it is in me to want feel accepted in places, and I tune in to their frequency and losing bit and pieces of myself.
I always thought it is a norm to share the daily aspects of my life with my husband.
I always value my husband's thoughts and advice. Whether I like it or not, there is an element of truth in it. Pride always stood in the way, and it is quite hard to swallow the truth sometimes. I mean even criticisms between husband and wife, and I want have a little dignity left. Is this something so hard to understand?
I mean, I am not the greatest wife, however, whom are you comparing too? Your mom? my mom?
What makes a good wife? What is the expecation of being a wife? I became someone whom never does the household chores to transiting into somone making breakfast, ironing clothes, washing clothes, washing dishes. It wasn't a like a slow motion , or a slow change. It was something that I know I had to do. My thoughts are always on you. I could use time making breakfast, to doing my make up, making myself presentable. I iron the clothes, so you have a nice shirt to wear, a nice ironed shirt reflects the presenation of yourself to your clients.
I mean it is really not great, you know but I did anyway,whether I am angry , not angry, because I love you and I do not want you to iron the shirt yourself. I grumbled, but I did not stop doing it for you. I mean little things are vocally aired, because the actions behind mean a lot more. Tell me, this is not part of aspect of being a good wife?
Do you want me to bring the shoes to you and wear the apron everyday? I could do that ! I mean I do not have subject myself to humiliation and stressed, hoping to get a job. Hoping to establish my career. I am aware that I am happy with my acheivements. The many things I want to do, because I want you to be proud of me.
What more have I not done? You named it, haven't I done it? You mentioned that you want me to cook, so you could be proud of me. I did it! I balancing a life with work and finally learning how to cook. I mean , do I have to really learn it? Why? out of so many dishes, I started out with Chicken rice. I gave myself so much stress, and to make sure the chicken rice was perfect, or near to perfection. What is the result of it?
WHAT I AM NOT A GREAT WIFE STILL???????? My expectations of you as a husband is to spend time with me. The little F**K face, which you alway call , is me trying to tell you, c'mon, you know what I want, do I really have to voice it out?????? I am certain you do know what I want all the time. Why am I being difficult, because I want you to coax me more, and to make me feel loved.
Little expecations, and I wonder why again expecations fall short.
Please, I would like to see how many girls are contented , IF THEIR BIRTHDAY IS NOT CELEBRATED.... FOR GOD SAKE, I WAITED ONE WHOLE YEAR for that day...... .
If you did want to cook, yar I get it. There wasn't any effort being put it? Like you keep asking me, if you really wanted to cook, you would have got yourself out the house, and putting your mind to it. I would have been really touched. The fact you are so fickled mind ticked me off I spend half a day not enjoying my day. You could have really made it better.
I do want a luxury bag, but in the first place I never expected it from you. Until you relented and you tried to find a decent deal for me.
It wasn't about you buying big bags for me. It was my interest to indulge into collecting them. I don't have time anymore for myself. I do not seem to find time to do things that I like. I shape myself to your activities, because I want to spend time with you. Yes with a willing soul. The piano sits like a white elephant. I hardly read books anymore. I hardly drink a cup of coffee in the morning, breathing in the breeze. I hardly have one day, just one day of not doing anything. I hardly have time to spend with friends. I
like the bags since I was 19, when I was old enough to afford them.
It was the little things, it could be about carebears, flowers, sitting with you in the pick up. Sitting behind you on the bike, making sure I didn't fall asleep. Eating ice cream waffles in Malaysia. You coming back for me from Penang for my birthday. You stopped the car, when you saw me walking on the streets. Your initiative to ballot for a flat. When you bought the huge ring for me.
Little things makes me happy, buying Tshirts for you. buying briefs for you. Planning the birthday surprise for you in MBS. I took one whole month to think , how to surprise you. I took one whole year into doing the photobook for you during last Christmas! It was a year project. It took me all my will power, to make sure I executing the cooking project for you in our humble house.
I am not great, but it is the effort, apparently it just not good enough for anybody. No matter how I do, what I did, it is just going to substandard.
This is just a rant of " Not a great wife" , the person with the worse character. Everything associating with a negative connotation.
Now I wonder why, I keep losing my self esteem.
I lost the pride, I always thought I was able to voice out my thoughts very clearly. My peers, family and friends understood me fairly well.
I always thought that my standard of English was fairly good. I do not know, if it is over the years, or I just never had it in me. I felt shame and disgrace.
Maybe, it is in me to want feel accepted in places, and I tune in to their frequency and losing bit and pieces of myself.
I always thought it is a norm to share the daily aspects of my life with my husband.
I always value my husband's thoughts and advice. Whether I like it or not, there is an element of truth in it. Pride always stood in the way, and it is quite hard to swallow the truth sometimes. I mean even criticisms between husband and wife, and I want have a little dignity left. Is this something so hard to understand?
I mean, I am not the greatest wife, however, whom are you comparing too? Your mom? my mom?
What makes a good wife? What is the expecation of being a wife? I became someone whom never does the household chores to transiting into somone making breakfast, ironing clothes, washing clothes, washing dishes. It wasn't a like a slow motion , or a slow change. It was something that I know I had to do. My thoughts are always on you. I could use time making breakfast, to doing my make up, making myself presentable. I iron the clothes, so you have a nice shirt to wear, a nice ironed shirt reflects the presenation of yourself to your clients.
I mean it is really not great, you know but I did anyway,whether I am angry , not angry, because I love you and I do not want you to iron the shirt yourself. I grumbled, but I did not stop doing it for you. I mean little things are vocally aired, because the actions behind mean a lot more. Tell me, this is not part of aspect of being a good wife?
Do you want me to bring the shoes to you and wear the apron everyday? I could do that ! I mean I do not have subject myself to humiliation and stressed, hoping to get a job. Hoping to establish my career. I am aware that I am happy with my acheivements. The many things I want to do, because I want you to be proud of me.
What more have I not done? You named it, haven't I done it? You mentioned that you want me to cook, so you could be proud of me. I did it! I balancing a life with work and finally learning how to cook. I mean , do I have to really learn it? Why? out of so many dishes, I started out with Chicken rice. I gave myself so much stress, and to make sure the chicken rice was perfect, or near to perfection. What is the result of it?
WHAT I AM NOT A GREAT WIFE STILL???????? My expectations of you as a husband is to spend time with me. The little F**K face, which you alway call , is me trying to tell you, c'mon, you know what I want, do I really have to voice it out?????? I am certain you do know what I want all the time. Why am I being difficult, because I want you to coax me more, and to make me feel loved.
Little expecations, and I wonder why again expecations fall short.
Please, I would like to see how many girls are contented , IF THEIR BIRTHDAY IS NOT CELEBRATED.... FOR GOD SAKE, I WAITED ONE WHOLE YEAR for that day...... .
If you did want to cook, yar I get it. There wasn't any effort being put it? Like you keep asking me, if you really wanted to cook, you would have got yourself out the house, and putting your mind to it. I would have been really touched. The fact you are so fickled mind ticked me off I spend half a day not enjoying my day. You could have really made it better.
I do want a luxury bag, but in the first place I never expected it from you. Until you relented and you tried to find a decent deal for me.
It wasn't about you buying big bags for me. It was my interest to indulge into collecting them. I don't have time anymore for myself. I do not seem to find time to do things that I like. I shape myself to your activities, because I want to spend time with you. Yes with a willing soul. The piano sits like a white elephant. I hardly read books anymore. I hardly drink a cup of coffee in the morning, breathing in the breeze. I hardly have one day, just one day of not doing anything. I hardly have time to spend with friends. I
like the bags since I was 19, when I was old enough to afford them.
It was the little things, it could be about carebears, flowers, sitting with you in the pick up. Sitting behind you on the bike, making sure I didn't fall asleep. Eating ice cream waffles in Malaysia. You coming back for me from Penang for my birthday. You stopped the car, when you saw me walking on the streets. Your initiative to ballot for a flat. When you bought the huge ring for me.
Little things makes me happy, buying Tshirts for you. buying briefs for you. Planning the birthday surprise for you in MBS. I took one whole month to think , how to surprise you. I took one whole year into doing the photobook for you during last Christmas! It was a year project. It took me all my will power, to make sure I executing the cooking project for you in our humble house.
I am not great, but it is the effort, apparently it just not good enough for anybody. No matter how I do, what I did, it is just going to substandard.
This is just a rant of " Not a great wife" , the person with the worse character. Everything associating with a negative connotation.
Now I wonder why, I keep losing my self esteem.
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